dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
