i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
