If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
