Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
