Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
