There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
