Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
