Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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