Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
