our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I need moral support for this bender
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
