just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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