she woke up with a sticky ear
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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