theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
