i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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