when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
