So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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