I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
