If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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