If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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