sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
