Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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