Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
