I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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