but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
