mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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