Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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