Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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