thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
