At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
