Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
