How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
