Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
