Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
