Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
