I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
