I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
