I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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