your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
