After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
