I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
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