her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
