Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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