I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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