Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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