btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
