I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
