We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
