i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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