I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
