I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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