im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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