it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
