operation harelip BJ is a go
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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