His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
