and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
