she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
