Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
