I think I won the penis lottery.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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