she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
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I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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