in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
