i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
