Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
